so i dont know why i do these things to myself. like i completly overthink everything. and get faaar too insecure. and that makes me have anxiety attacks. its something about this place... and know that he is an hour away. its like being here lowers my self-esteem and feeling of self-worth. i dont fucking understand... anything. and im so sick of not knowing why i think the things i do or why i cant just believe that maybe someone loves me. idk. my whole life ive struggled with the even CONCEPT of love. my whole life ive never even SEEN someone in love, none of my family members are in love with their spouses... no one is happy here. we smile so no one asks questions. if not one person i see can stay in a healthy stable marriage what makes me so special that i think that i get to have it. i know im in love. i know that no matter what happens i will always love him. but when i leave i just get so fucking insecure and im so tired of this. everytime i think that im getting over it. i actually start feeling good about myself and then it creeps up on me like a fucking assassin. im so tired of having anxiety attacks, im tired of watching everyone in my house fight with the people they supposidly love until there crying, im tired of getting flashbacks from when i was younger and my mom and my dad fought  so bad we had to run away, im tired of seeing people fall out of love, im tired of thinking that hes too good for me, that i dont deserve him, im tired of thinking that im gonna be unhappy when im older, im tired of thinking it just ends to me getting depressed, im tired of sitting here listening to the same sad music that i always do thinking about how its ridiculas how much i relate, but most of all, im fucking tired of crying, alone.